True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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