Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
