You're my little dorito
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
