I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
