Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
