I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
