I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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