I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
