I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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