You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
