Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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