An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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