sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
