They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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