Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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