I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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