Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
