I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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