why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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