She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
