I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
