Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
