I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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