This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
