I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
