Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
