On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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