why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
