My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
