White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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