the condom got lost in my hair
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
