decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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