I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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