someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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