She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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