I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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