Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
