as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The air taste purple.
Randomize
