actually, I'm a sock model
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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