I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
