This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
