Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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