Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
