She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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