He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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