Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
