I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
