No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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