U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
