hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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