hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
